NOVEMBER 19

I started the year out confused and conflicted with everything that senior year had to offer. My parents didn’t want me playing volleyball, nor did they want me to slack on my work. Yet somehow I ended up doing both of those. I had fought so hard with my parents to play. I ended up having to quit one of my jobs to play. This made my parents angry but it was something I needed to do. Flashing forwards of months struggling to focus on caring about school, we hit November. I had already dropped Psychology for Calculus BC, meaning I had only a month left to learn the entirety of Calculus in order to be ready for Mraz’s midterm. That, however, was the last thing on my mind at this moment. Today’s the day we play Hale Ray in the semi-finals for the state tournament. Don’t get me wrong nothing felt better than beating Coventry the Friday before, but after that game the season had felt over. We beat them and I had felt a different happiness. It was the last time I was ever gonna beat them again. The season felt over to me after that game, but it was officially over after Hale Ray beat us in an absurd game in 3-2. 

I wasn’t shattered because the season ended, to be honest, I was angrier about not donating blood earlier today. Some of the girls cried because it was out last season and we were so close, I didn’t because I had fought so hard to play this season and in this game that there wasn’t any more juice left. In a way that’s how I feel about 2019. Senior year hasn’t been challenging academically, nor socially, it’s been more of a temporary holding year. It feels like I have this entire year to mature and perfect myself to jump into the real world. Right now I feel this heavy weight on myself, yet as we creep closer to the end of 2019, it feels like this weight is going to be relieved in a great way. While saying this I may have forgotten about an important factor, Capstone.

Capstone. Even typing the word I get a heavy feeling and a wave of anxiety. I have always dreaded capstone, not because it’s hard or time consuming rather because it’s something that’s going to leave a lasting impact. I went through what felt like billions of ideas until I found one. I always loved education and found myself to be good with kids. Instead of volunteering at a school or just plainly at my mosque, I wanted to show the value in education and expose kids to vast environments around the world. Along with finding a way to raise money to donate. I finally got into contact with the UNICEF organization. This is an international organization dedicated to children all over the world. They focus on food, clothes, and other ways to assist, but have a preliminary focus on education for youth. Hopefully, as my capstone is approved, I can work with kids at my mosque to learn about the importance of education, as well give back to UNICEF and all they do.  

December 14, 2019

So as you can see with the almost month of not logging, I am bad at journals. The last few weeks have been rough on me and honestly I didn’t expect them to be. 2019 itself has taught me enough lessons that I think I don’t need to have a midlife crisis anymore. I have lost a few friends, lost connections with important matters, and even lost myself at one point. But I also gained new friends, a new meaning, and even new motivations, meaning as much as 2019 sucked for me socially, mentally, and emotionally. Now for my academics, 2019 out did herself in that department. I did well in all my courses, understood them completely, and passed most, if not all, my important exams. This academic growth somehow managed to follow me into my senior year, but the disease of senioritis never fails to overpower everything else. It may or may not have affected my capstone progress. I managed to get my capstone approved, confirmed with UNICEF that it was alright for me to use them and their logos, and even confirmed with my mosque that I can have a day dedicated with the 5th through 9th graders to show them a PowerPoint and potentially some activities. My mosque also was offering to assist in donations with either clothes, food, or even cash donations. So the operation was moving smoothly until the last week or so and I really haven’t made any improvements. There are a million factors as to why that is, but let’s just stick with a rough day turned into a rough week/month.

Finals are coming faster than anticipated and I know I am going to struggle with remembering to keep up on capstone. Mraz’s midterm is the only one I am truly terrified for because teaching myself CALC BC hasn’t been the most fun experience. I enjoy the independence, but I have been struggling to remember the material because of the lack of Mraz’s teaching methods. Anyway, let’s hope I get some of my capstone to move along! I am just scared that I’ll end up not getting to do it the way I want to and do my best with it. I have so much in my head, yet I don’t know how to put it on paper.

January 5, 2020

Right into the new year I feel way better than before. I figured out some family things that kind of made me value life a little bit more. I got myself more organized and set schedules so I don’t fall behind in school, at work, and in my social life. I’m not as worried for my finals anymore, whatever happens I am more than ready for them. I’ve spent the last week or so burying myself in my job. I work at Bed Bath and Beyond over in Wethersfield and honestly, if I see another curtain rod or shower liner I might go insane. I spend most of my days in a bad stockroom pulling sheets onto the floor and organizing new UGG comforter sets. Anyway, enough about my horror stories at Bed Bath. It sometimes is hard managing school, work, and life itself, but I really do enjoy doing what I do. I love working. It may seem weird, but I’d take restocking for 8 hours over sitting in bed for the whole day without any plans. A workaholic is what I get referred to by some of my friends. I used to work two jobs because I really did like working and doing hands on things. Sadly I can only manage one right now, but next summer I assure you I will be working everyday. 

Today was also a day spent with some old friends. Well I went over to a close friend's house and it happened to be that there were a few people there that I hadn’t spoken to in months. What was calming about the whole situation is that we just talked. We talked about things going on in life and laughed about old stories. I have always believed in releasing negative energy and not holding grudges. The small encounters with people who have affected your life matter. I want to incorporate something like this into my capstone. We tend to take a lot of things for granted, including counseling for mental health and education on it. 

February 4 , 2020

Last Friday (January 31) was the first time I presented my PowerPoint. I didn’t know what to expect, but I wasn’t nervous. I enjoy presenting and speaking, especially if it’s a topic I know very well, so standing up in front of the class and sharing wasn’t a big deal. When I finished presenting it felt surreal. In a way, a weight was lifted off my chest. I won’t lie, I had doubts about my capstone entirely. Then Bout came along and managed to make me feel way more motivated than I ever felt. Once again, in all honesty, I even do the gratitude list whenever I get home from school. It makes me feel a different kind of relaxed. But after I presented I really felt like “Wow, maybe this capstone thing is going to work out for me”. Then came an even greater step, finding out how to get the school involved and how to raise money. I hit the biggest stump today. I, almost entirely, gave up on figuring out a way to donate. A few grunts and groans later Morski and Michelle thought of a great idea for a dressdown competition. It combined Bout’s decision on who picks where the money would go, as well as actually getting the money. One mini meltdown later I presented to Bout’s first block class. This presentation was different than the last because of how the class reacted. I knew that going into a presentation was going to have mixed feelings from the audience. As I looked around the class, almost everyone was looking at my presentation with a sort of concerned and angry facial expression, and then some weren’t paying attention. It proved my point of students taking things for granted, but it hurt knowing that they’re taking it for granted in front of someone talking about them taking it for granted. The irony. 

February 29 , 2020

This feels like a day that wasn’t supposed to happen. I started up by waking up pretty happy because the night before I had gotten accepted to UConn. You are looking at a future Uconn Husky, class of 2024. Anyway, I went into work full of joy and a will to get stuff done. But, my coworkers weren’t really feeling it. The night I got accepted was also the night most of the administrative staff got laid off. People that I didn’t know, but had a huge impact at our store were no longer there. This news was only the start of a horrible day. Our JDA system failed, meaning no one could look up price changes, inventory, or any order information on our walkies. In short, my L.O.D (Leader on Duty) was losing her mind. Customers were piling in and the line ran from customer service all the way to the back of the store near curtains. This would be great for our store, but we also had 3 call outs. There were about 4 associates actually there, and let me tell you I wish I had called out too. As luck would have it, I found myself at customer service with not only one lady yelling at me about a comforter set but two screaming about not just a comforter set, but about trash can liners. I was about one coupon away from a mental breakdown. There was just an overload of people and work. Not just employment work, but I had a lot of work to get done at home. Thankfully 5 pm came fast and I wished all my coworkers closing the best of luck, may the force be with them. Little did I know, more was to unfold. Later that night there was a run out and a bunch of merchandise was stolen. When I got home I had to plan out the future presentations and event at my mosque. This was going to be hard because of how difficult it is to get into contact with the event planner at the mosque. But through a phone call with my mentor Christin Ward, she help me think of activities. That's when the idea of a banner came in. A banner of hands with the motto of UNICEF, "For Every Child". I am beyond excited to do this with the kids. It really made this cursed day feel better.

March 27, 2020

This is going to be my hardest journal yet. I am beyond hurt by most recents events. The Corona virus has taken a toll on everything and everyone. I feel, in a way, robbed of a senior year and proper capstone experience. I went into 2020 with high hopes, but as the months go on I’m getting more disappointed. Honestly, I feel like crap about not being able to do my activities with my capstone. This was supposed to be the year of prom, walking across a stage, and doing a meaningful project. It’s crappy knowing I can’t go to my mosque and show kids that learning is fun and that it matters. This was going to be a mural put in the 5th graders classroom. Hold that thought. I just had an idea while moping about how everything is closed and social distancing blah blah. Bout once said to “think virtually”, why not make a virtual promise and virtual mural. I want to show  that even in these desperate times of fear and isolation, we can bind together to understand that education is flowing and doesn’t ever really stop. For instance we still have online classes through emails and google classroom. But back to my ideas of a virtual promise. Maybe a video compilation of people saying things like “I promise to continue learning” or “I promise to fulfill my goals as a _____”. Afterwards compile it into a maybe 1-2 minute video. As for a virtual mural, have people (of all ages) participate in a mural. They draw an image of what they think an education is or something that relates to it ( a pencil, a letter grade, etc) and then compile it into a mini mural. This will all be done virtually because you know how social distancing is. This is going to be, hopefully, really great. My mentor has experience with a lot of different programs because she uses it to create themed events and special merchandise. I just want this to run smooth and I am glad she's here. I had doubts, like a lot of doubts after self isolation was installed. But then again, even with self isolation we still have to learn. I do miss seeing Morski in the morning and then being mindful with Bout and Weimer. I even miss teasing Mraz and Ahl about math stuff. The little things matter so much and we tend to take them for granted. My daily rituals in school cannot be repeated at home. On the brighter side I’m spending more time with my sister, maybe a little too much time with her. My parents, however, I don’t see that often because of work so it’s a nice change. I recall having a mini breakdown about school, capstone, AP classes, and even graduation, but I had my parents there the whole time helping me come up with ideas to study, time manage, and even some silly ideas for capstone. It’s bad to say I’m grateful for these few weeks off, because I’m not. I am grateful for the time I am healthy, with family, and enjoying self isolation with my cat, Kepi. To conclude I am literally still astonished I had new ideas form in the middle of a mope session writing in this journal. Wow.

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